FORT MEADE/MOSCOW/GENEVE Feb 04, 2014 – According to the recent revelations of whistleblower Edward Snowden, NSA officials are increasingly concerned about the fact that they cannot understand the data produced by the Large Hadron Collider at the European Organization for Nuclear Research CERN.
“Look, we have cracked the security code of Iran’s nuclear facilities“, Snowden quoted an insider as saying, “we routinely read the top secrets of the Chinese military, we even know which cousin Kim Jong Un is gonna kill next. Nothing in the world is closed to us, but this goddamn accelerator data is too confusing.“ The informant added, “We can’t see any of those W-bosons, Higgs-bosons or top quarks these folks claim to have detected. Instead all this appears to be an unintelligible mess that shows up when one crashes highly energetic particles at random.“
The problem has reached NSA’s level of command because, according to their data mining policies,a huge amount of data must be properly analysed before it can be discarded. “If I had taken CERN’s data with me“, commented Edward Snowden, “I would have needed a ship full of hard discs rather than my hand baggage. Since nobody can understand it, it’s becoming a problem.“
According to rumors, NSA director Keith B. Alexander is very upset about “particle geeks with a damn high income“ that are “unable to explain the meaning of their business to anybody else.“ Meanwhile, CERN management stated that “The entire physics community trusts the results because an unprecedented number of experts believe them. We are astonished that NSA is so distrustful.“ Via unofficial channels, CERN assured that none of the particle physics experiments has developed anything useful, let alone anything harmful, in the past few decades.